A Journal Entry

I've been waiting a little bit to write this to let myself calm down. I had a missed miscarriage last week and needed a D&C on Thursday. I should have been 12 weeks this week.

I found out I was pregnant in May. It was quite a shock since it took over a year to get pregnant with Daphne and Joseph. We decided that since it typically does take a while, we would just let them come when they may. With the other two, I needed to be on hormone pills (Clomid) to get pregnant and then on Progesterone to keep the pregnancy. So it was a shock that I got pregnant without any "help" and so we were debating on whether I should go on the Progesterone. We decided to go ahead and do it.

I had all the typical pregnant symptoms. Cravings, exhaustion, etc. At 8 weeks we had my first Dr appointment and ultrasound. We saw the baby and heard the heartbeat. Everything looked great. But as the days went on I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. Andrew, being the supportive husband that he is, tried his best to help me see that it was probably just my typical pregnant self being paranoid. Daphne and Joseph both gave me trouble while pregnant so why not this one? I came to the conclusion that I was just scared and feeling sad that Joseph really is still a baby and feeling like he was getting "kicked out". He'd barely be 18 months old when the baby would be born. I just felt so sad for him.

At about 10 weeks I started feeling like I should go in an see the Dr. Just to hear the heartbeat again. But I convinced myself that I was still being paranoid and overreacting. There were no signs that anything was wrong, so there was no reason to be worried.

Last week we went to a family reunion up near Logan. We went water skiing Tuesday and I thought, "What's the harm in doing a little skiing?" The baby was still pretty small and I'd be careful. So I strapped on my ski and slalomed. I'd say I did pretty good considering it'd been about 8 years since I last went. Until I attempted to gently move out of the wake and landed right on my face. HARD!! It really shook me up. The next morning I was spotting. I called the Dr and was told to come right in and get checked. So we left the kids with my mom and made our way back home.

We got to the doctors office and had an ultrasound done. The baby had actually stopped developing around 8 weeks, but my uterus was measuring 11.5 weeks. A missed miscarriage. So luckily it wasn't the fall that did any harm. Nothing actually caused it. It just happens sometimes. Twice for me.

The Dr told me we could wait and let nature take care of it, he could give me a pill to start contractions or he could do a D&C. I was planning a trip to Ohio for me and the kids for the coming Monday until August 20th. So my only real choice was a D&C. He normally did surgeries on Friday, but told me he'd do it Thursday to give me an extra day to recover. He didn't see any reason that I couldn't go on my vacation and in fact it would probably be good for me. I agreed.

Looking back on the previous weeks I noticed there was more than just a nagging feeling that something wasn't right. I normally can't stand the taste of milk for the first few months and that "symptom" went away fairly quickly. As did most cravings. I was still tired, but not as bad. I also had a feeling that not only was something wrong, but that I would miscarry before I went to Ohio. I tried to keep that thought out of my head, but I knew it was there. I truly feel that the Lord was preparing me for this trial. He did with my first one as well. I told Andrew then that I would miscarry. Again, trying to be positive, he told me I was just nervous. It was my first pregnancy so I really was nervous about this new development and I was getting worked up over nothing. Well, again, the Lord was preparing me.

I feel that being here with my family has helped me so much. Unlike the first time, I now have 2 children to keep me moving forward. It took a few days for the emotions to subside, but I know this is the Lord's plan and He knows what's best for me. Before we went to the Dr, Andrew and my cousins' husband gave me a priesthood blessing. I was blessed with peace and understanding and was told not to let guilt and blame enter my thoughts. I'm grateful for this trial because it's helped me to see the areas I need to get prepared in. I know the Lord is watching over me and my family and I know that there will be more children in our future. And I'm excited for that.