I have had this battle with myself since Joseph was born. My time with Daphne has obviously gotten cut short and I don't like it. We used to do so much together. All the time. Now, I am very saddened/ashamed to say, she rarely gets any one-on-one time with me. I also feel that I have made her grow up too fast. I forget that she is 4 sometimes. She won't always do what I ask the first time and I need to not get so worked up about it. She is a sweet, loving, kind little girl and I forget because I am so focused on the fact that it takes her 30 minutes to get dressed and I'm upset because I have asked her 100 times to please get dressed and she gets distracted with her toys and plays with them while she is half dressed. Then the whole day is ruined for me and I have a hard time letting go of the frustration. I HATE it when I get like that!! We would have the same battle everyday and I always thought she was having the problem. Let's take a closer look and see who is really having the problem here? Who forgets that I just yelled at her minutes after the fact? Who gives me a huge hug and tells me that she loves me? Several times a day. Who is still carrying around the hard feelings and at the end of the day is so exhausted from the internal battle that she can't handle anything and just wants to put the kids to bed so she can no "deal with them" anymore? I really suck. At what point in my head did she have to be a grown up instead of a kid?
I also have developed this really annoying idea that my house needs to be clean. I don't just mean tidy and picked up. I had a cleaning schedule for every weekday. I justified it by saying that if I cleaned during the week, then that would leave Saturday's for having fun. But we rarely went and did anything so that blew my theory and I still wasn't spending time with my daughter. We haven't even talked about doing laundry, dishes, making dinner, or any other motherly duty to be performed everyday. I have been an emotional wreck for too long! And that doesn't even count the very unwelcome hyper-emotional, depressed, and angry creature that lurks in the house for 1 week out of every month. Very un-fun for all.
Being in Ohio with my family really opened my eyes to what a relaxed person looks and feels like. She has hours to spend with her children. She goes to fun places almost everyday. Time seems to go slower (it's not time to make dinner right after you swear the kids just ate breakfast). She has time everyday to do something she enjoys. Those are just a few of the enjoyable realizations that I came to know. So how do I implement them in my own surroundings? I don't have a mother, father, two brothers and one sister to watch my kids, clean the house or make dinner. What's a mom to do?
Here's my plan:
Throw out the cleaning schedule. I will do it when it needs to be done.
Help Daphne with her jobs. It gets done without the yelling match and it's bonus time with her.
Keep dinner preparations simple.
Talk to Daphne at eye level. She is much more responsive and willing to listen when she's not "talked down to".
Don't be prideful and stubborn. Admit you screwed up, apologize and MOVE ON! There will be less frustration and heartache.
Spend at LEAST an hour alone with Daphne doing something she wants to do.
Go on walks in the evening with the kids. It's a beautiful way to cleanse your mind and it can invoke good conversation with a 4 year old.
PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. I have proved that I am not capable of doing this myself. This last week I have gotten up before the kids, read my scriptures and prayed. It's been amazing the days I did it and not so amazing when I didn't.
This is just the beginning of my changes. But there only so many things you can change at once. When these aren't a matter of conscious thought, then I'll move on to something else. So if you see my house looking less than tidy, just know that I am at peace.
3 comments:
If it helps Beth, you are not alone. I've had the same struggles. Well, I still have them every day. I have decided I can only do my best, give myself a break when I mess up, and try again. I think the secret is to just keep trying. I think you have come to some wonderful conclusions and I wish you the best in your efforts to be a happier mom.
PS My cleaning schedule involves only cleaning one day a week and I only do one part of the house at a time. This means the bathrooms only get cleaned once every three weeks and the house only gets vacuumed once every three weeks and the kitchen floor only gets mopped once every three weeks, which might be too gross for you, but it takes a ton of the cleaning stress out of the picture for me. I guess I'm trying to say that a schedule can still be helpful because you know when you'll do what and you don't worry about it in between, but maybe space it out more and be flexible. Just a thought. By the way, I love your hair and I'm glad you had a nice trip.
Beth. Can I just say you are an inspiration to me. You are an amazing mother with an adorable daughter and handsome son. I know what a wonderful person you are. Thanks for being such a good example. And thank you for being 'real' and just talking about life. You inspire me more that you know.
I feel for you. I'm right there with you. I think this is a great plan. Our kids are so important, but life can really pull us away. You can do it! At least I hope, because then there might be a glimmer of hope for me. Let me know how it goes.
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